On his 75th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his beautiful 25 year old wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for. The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder warned, ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say ‘1-2-3.’ When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want.”
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, “How do I stop the medicine from working?” “Your partner must say ‘1-2-3-4,'” he responded, “but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, “1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
Tax Day, 1-2-3
Most of the time, we dread April 15th. For those of you outside of the U.S., it is the day our income taxes are due. But this year is a little different, due to the Covid-19 crisis. I went ahead and paid my Federal, but still await a small refund from the state of California. Let me say, I do not mind paying my FAIR share of taxes, but I do expect some reasonable value in return.
Why did I pay? Because, I had the money, and I do not want any surprises, should everything change for the worse, again. Who knows? And how are we supposed to pay for the trillion dollar bailouts? Yes, if you “rob Peter to pay Paul”, there will be consequences. The most likely outcome: rampant inflation, reminiscent of the 1980s.
Printing more money is a short term fix, as we all know. If every country does this, a gallon of gas will be over $10 when this crisis is over.
I went to the store today, and the shelves are beginning to empty. Not just paper goods, but meat, dairy, and mostly fresh vegetables. Gradually, the cereal, flour, and canned goods will be in short supply. The paper and grocery companies must be making record profits.
On April 15, 1947, Jackie Robinson took the field for the Brooklyn Dodgers and became the first African-American player in the history of Major League Baseball. In his debut against the Braves, Robinson played first base and recorded the game’s first out. He got his first MLB hit in the seventh inning by beating out a bunt to first base. The Dodgers won, 5-3
But I digress. Taxes, one of the two certainties of the world: death and taxes. What a combination at this particular time?
Nobody, on either side of the aisle, has told me how we are going to pay for this. Productivity is low and unemployment is high. Not even the cannabis craze can save us!
Another prediction: the government will start taxing luxury items, like alcohol, expensive cars, boats, RVs, and vacations. In fact, the various state licensing bureaus have increased their renewal fees almost FIVE fold!!! The building permit for our backyard work was over $1000!!!
So, let’s review now: record hospitalizations, record deaths, highest unemployment since the Great Depression, increasing domestic violence, and suicides.
On the plus side: better air quality, fewer traffic deaths, fewer elective surgeries, more appreciation for health care workers, and farmers.
Nevertheless, happy or unhappy tax day, depending on what you are paying.
And to cheer you up: