It appears these days that there is a fantasy camp for just about any activity. In the old days, it was just the baseball or basketball fantasy camps, sponsored by old “has been” players, seeking to make a buck off of their name. Now, almost any person or job title has a fantasy camp. And of course, you remember when Cosmo Kramer went to the Yankees fantasy camp and decked Mickey Mantle? Jerry said Kramer’s whole life was a fantasy camp!!!!
Of course, I should talk. Many people have told me that they want to be just like me when they grow up. I am sure they refer only to the travel, golf, and humanitarian endeavors, and not to the excessive partying and detoxing. But one thing to remember about television production, is that reality shows and fantasy camp programs are ultra cheap to produce, compared to sit-coms and dramas with big casts and expensive location expenses.
I have always considered people who do these fantasy camps as egomaniacal or totally living in the past. Looking at prices for these “camps”, it appears that the camper is paying a premium for dormitory conditions and dormitory food. If you have the money, why not go to a Pritikin fat camp or detox at a “resort” in Palm Desert?
But I can see that if the camp experience were slightly altered, it would be more interesting. So forget the baseball, basketball and rock star camps. I know I can come up with a better, more unique experience.
1. Desperate Housewives Camp
You could move onto Wisteria Lane, and see if Teri Hatcher is real and spectacular. For the guys, there will be a paternity test after you leave. For the ladies, we will check for STDs, and hidden bank accounts. You will learn to deal with rumor and innuendo in ways you never realized.
2. Dick Cheney Hunting Camp
While you will not get to shoot Cheney in the butt, you will be able to shoot Cheney dummies. Wait! How do we tell the difference? You will also get to tell Colin Powell how to lie about weapons of mass destruction, An optional week is available for one of the many heart procedures Cheney had while he was in office. Also, all graduates may take the honors course at the Elmer Fudd School of Precision Shooting.
3. Charlie Sheen Camp
You will be fitted for your own personal line of Bobby Chan shirts like Charlie wore on the show. As far as simulated sex scenes, the camp allows, or rather insists on the real thing. You will have to pay extra to go on a speaking tour with poor attendance guaranteed.
4. Octomom Camp
For those of you who have never had a child, or for those of you who did not have enough, the Octomom experience is both expensive and rather invasive. Between fertility drugs and donor fees, the tab easily can run into $100,000. But the best part is that you will automatically qualify for total financial and medical care support for life. Surely, this is a small price to pay for a future life with no worries.
5. Sarah Palin Camp
First of all, Tina Fey cannot attend since she would make the campers look really bad. But you will get a week in Wasilla, Alaska, along with a pair of Sarah glasses, and a public speaking class to acquire an Alaskan accent. The key to the whole camp is how well you can convince other campers that you are really a “maverick.”
6. Playboy Centerfold Camp
This one is entirely free, with only one requirement. If you are chosen by Hef, you have to marry him! Other benefits would include a full “spread” in the magazine, free housing while you are part of the harem, and a very limited clothing budget.
7. James Bond Fantasy Camp
Hosted by none other than the best “007” ever, Sean Connery. The only downside to this camp is the age of your costars, as they are the originals like Ursula Andress, and Pussy Galore. But you will have the proverbial “license to kill”, and be required to wear a tuxedo, no matter the weather. Your custom Aston Martin requires an optional cash payment, up front.
8. Donald Trump Reality Camp
This would actually be reality for him too! First, you must dye your hair a bright orange, eat a Big Mac with fries every day, and treat women badly. If that is not enough, you can spend $130,000,000 to golf in Florida on weekends, and hang out with your White Supremacist buddies.
9. Jeopardy James Jeopardy Camp
I doubt any of us can qualify for this camp. But if we did, we can learn the “all in” push, and the toothy smile with the killer instinct. How can one man know so darn much about nothing? Needless to say, I am impressed!
10. GOP Governor Fantasy Camp
Since this qualifies you to be in the “inner” circle of the Orange man, there is no need to even attend a camp. You don’t follow public health guidelines, the virus is surging in your states (Florida, Texas), and you are getting a primo appointment into the next Presidential term (never).