In my younger days, I was a bit of a jokester and prankster. Perhaps this was a remnant of my college fraternity days. Or maybe I was just destined to be an entertainer? Regardless, here are some jokes to lighten the mood in this health crisis. I promise not rants about shortages, death statistics, poor leadership, and politics.
But among the 60,000 thoughts you will have today, here are just a few funny ones to brighten your day!
A sign on a cosmetic surgery clinics says:
“If life gives you lemons, a simple operation can give you melons.”
I was caring for a woman and asked, “So how’s your breakfast this morning?” “It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,” the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled “KY Jelly.”
After my wife accidentally swallowed my prostate medication, our daughter called a pharmacist to ask whether there was any cause for alarm. He replied, “Only if she starts hanging out at strip joints, and buys lots of tools at Home Depot.”
Singles ad: “Single man w/TP seeks single woman w/hand sanitizer for good clean fun.”
I was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.
Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?
Me: Yes.
Nurse: When?
Me: 2011.
Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?
Me: Do you think this is the right career for you?
“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.” “That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet… What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!” “It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”
At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands.
After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. Once they finish, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands.
As she comes back the male doctor says, “I bet you are a surgeon”.
She confirms and asks how he knew.
“Easy, you’re always washing your hands.”
She then says, “I bet you’re an anesthesiologist.”
Male doctor: “Wow, how did you guess?”
Female doctor: “I didn’t feel a thing.”
Two doctors and an HMO manager die and line up together at the Pearly Gates. One doctor steps forward and tells St. Peter, “As a pediatric surgeon, I saved hundreds of children.” St. Peter lets him enter.
The next doctor says, “As a psychiatrist, I helped thousands of people live better lives.” St. Peter tells him to go ahead.
The last man says, “I was an HMO manager. I got countless families cost-effective health care.”
St. Peter replies, “You may enter. But,” he adds, “you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”
A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.
“You aren’t so good in bed either!” he shouted and stormed off to work.
By midmorning, he decided he’d better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone.
“What took you so long to answer?”
“I was in bed.”
“What were you doing in bed this late?”
“Getting a second opinion.”
And finally, one off color joke: This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.
All his professionalism goes right out the window…
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
“Do you know what I am doing?” asks the doctor?
“Yes, checking for abnormalities.” she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks,
“Do you know what I am doing now?”, she replies, “Yes, checking for cancer.”
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having s*x with her.
He says to her, “Do you know what I am doing now?” She replies,
“Yes, getting herpes – that’s why I am here!”
Feel free to share your own.
